I could say that I am a wife, I have a dog and a cat and I’m pregnant with a baby girl, that I like snail mail, books and my favorite animal is a fox. That I am Catholic and libertarian. That I think I’m funny, smart and complex. They’re all things about me, important things, but none of them really capture a person, their essence, their core. What a person likes or who they are in relation to another person.. what a person does, none of those things are me.
I ramble outloud a lot, this is how I think, going from thought to thought and running with them. Most people don’t like this, find it confusing or subject changing, so I’ve had to hide it a lot.. I get tired of being called random or being misunderstood, it’s exhausting. I don’t like hiding things about myself because I feel like I need to be authentic, honest, raw all the time and I expect the same from other people but very few people give the same.. I feel like my purpose in life, my purpose – not our purpose – but my single purpose is to find my purpose. I don’t have a goal, my goal is to find the goal. I dream a lot, like actual dreams and I remember my dreams and in them people from my life don’t have very detailed faces – they are abstract versions of them, somewhat visually detailed but fuzzy, but in the dream I know who they are – sometimes the faces interchange, but they remain the same person, the same essence. I never dream about normal things either – like standing in front of a crowd naked or flying or falling or whatever..
Others see me as contradictory or indecisive, but consistency is boring, unfulfilling, being open to life and changes and new information is exciting – I love trying new things, new experiences, and it’s not even just trying the experience for the sake of it, but I want the entire experience. I don’t like the blunt, the quick, the simplistic. Nothing seems simplistic, mere summaries don’t expand enough, don’t capture the nuance – the full view of what is trying to come across.
I hate when people take one thing I’m interested in and assume things about me, and forget to look at the entirety of things I’ve done or what I’ve said. It’s very rare that I don’t have good intentions, please don’t question or assume my motives just because you don’t understand them. I don’t understand how people don’t assume good intentions as a base in others, if not good intentions – how do you communicate with others? There has to be a starting point, on some similar page, some bit of charity.. otherwise how do you even speak on a daily basis? (Motive is more important than results, the process is larger than the ending. I always think in motives and sometimes I think these things are obvious.)
I’m very forgiving, I can get very upset in the moment, and I need a little time to process after that, but it doesn’t take me long to get through. I don’t really understand revenge. I understand both sides of a situation, sometimes so much so that I have trouble choosing which makes the most sense, which is true, which is Truth. But I view life through worldviews and I can jump worldviews, and see things through that particulary one, even if it is different from my own. That doesn’t always mean I think that person is right, but sometimes I can appreciate that they’re at least consistent with their own worldview.
I’m attracted to deep, dark, complicating and messy. I don’t care for cliches, cheesy sayings, common quotes, niceties, meaningless words.
If Marmee shook her fist instead of kissing her hand to us, it would serve us right, for more ungrateful wretches than we are were never seen,” cried Jo, taking a remorseful satisfaction in the snowy walk and bitter wind. “Don’t use such dreadful expressions,” replied Meg from the depths of the veil in which she had shrouded herself like a nun sick of the world.
“I like good strong words that mean something,” replied Jo, catching her hat as it took a leap off her head preparatory to flying away altogether.– Little Women
Emotions are confusing, they feel outside myself, pressed upon me, but simultaneously deep within, bubbling up to the surface when pressed upon me from outside. Like a pressure cooker. I don’t know, it’s visual, most things are impressionistic and visual, that’s why I talk with my hands a lot, so I can show you what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling.
The moment eludes me, I miss a lot of things, and sometimes I feel like I’m flailing about through life – living the past or living in the future, living in possibilities and potential.
