a good place to be
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” - Douglas Adams
I have always held the conviction that all forms of birth control are wrong. When I say “birth control”, I mean all methods of controlling birth, from the pill to a condom to more permanent methods. It is something I have believed since high school, and have always stood strong on.
Two months before the wedding, I began reconsidering my views. It was not that I had found something to change my mind, but rather I was finally in the position where my views mattered practically. I was also thinking I did not want to have my period during my wedding or honeymoon, and if I didn’t do something about it, I would. I then decided to visit Planned Parenthood and get a prescription for oral contraceptive, i.e. “the pill”. My original intention was to set my cycle into a pattern so that I would not have my period when I went off the pill; I would stop taking it prior to the wedding night.
During that month/two month period, I started researching. I had never done research on the pill because my problem was not with the pill alone, but rather with controlling something that God should be controlling. I strongly felt the womb was the one thing in my life that God needed to control fully, and God alone, within in the confines of the marriage that God had already set up. I do not believe the purpose of sex is merely procreation, but regardless, new life is the outcome, and it is this potential for life that led me to this conviction. It was a personal feeling, if you will. But as I said before, I felt this without research.
During this time, I learned that oral contraception does four major things: it prevents ovulation by preventing the release of an egg into the fallopian tube, it thickens the cervical mucus, it thins the lining of the uterus, and it makes changes to the movement of the fallopian tubes. I did not know this. I thought it only prevented ovulation, as that is what it is marketed to do. The fact is, it does do this, and that is its major purpose, but it does the other things, “just in case”. There is a very tiny chance an egg will be released, and that tiny chance is enough for the pill to have a backup. The problem with these backups are that if life begins at conception/fertilisation (when the sperm and egg meet), besides preventing the sperm from getting to the egg (which is fine) the thickened mucus, together with changed fallopian tube, stops the fertilised egg from reaching the uterus, and therefore aborts it. And the thinned uterine wall makes it uninhabitable, via being unattachable, and again aborts it.
I was always under the impression the entire purpose of the pill was NOT to abort, but rather to prevent. I did not understand why more people were not putting up a fuss about this small chance. I mean, I know there are people who do not have anything against abortion, but what about those who do? Why are they not speaking?
The reason is simple. I later found out that the pill is marketed in the way it is because scientists, doctors, and professionals all agree that life begins at implantation, not conception. Call me naive, but I always thought everyone believed life began at conception. I thought the issue would surely be something else, but I was wrong. I thought maybe there was some question about what the pill actually does, but I was wrong about that too. And they are right about one thing– if life begins at implantation, there is absolutely zero abortifacient properties in the pill. The backups would occur prior to implantation, therefore, be truly preventing pregnancy. So, the real issue is, of course, when life begins. (Interestingly enough, Plan B, “the morning after pill”, is simply a higher dose of the regular pill, taken after sex. I do not understand why those who believe life begins at implantation are actually fighting against Plan B. And those who are against Plan B because they believe life begins at conception, are not also against the pill. It is quite misleading. Do not mix this up with RU486, which is also called “the abortion pill”, which is actually a non-surgical version of an abortion, via pill taken to abort after both conception and implantation.)
When my husband and I were meeting with the family pastor, we mentioned the potential of abortifacient properties in the pill. He outwardly said that he did not know a lot, but he was aware that there exists a pill on the market that only prevents the release of an egg. He said it only contained one hormone, either progestin or estrogen, and that one of those hormones was responsible for preventing ovulation and the two, when put together, were responsible for the other two things. He told us to go do research and find that pill, and decide if that pill was something we were willing to take. So, I did more research, and I could not find anything. All I could find was more and more information supporting that both of these hormones actually do all of these three things, therefore making all pills currently on the market abortifacients. I even asked the doctor at Planned Parenthood, and not suprisingly, she had no idea what I was talking about, and scoffed at the thought that the pill would be an abortifacient, period. (So, if anyone knows what he is talking about, please share, because I would like to know.)
As we talked more, he told us about Natural Family Planning (NFP). He said that he and his wife took some classes on it and it became a very exciting thing for their marriage. They have five children, and all were planned through using this method. None were surprises.
For those of you who are not familiar with this method, it revolves around taking the woman’s temperature and charting it daily, using a special basal temperature thermometer– this thermometer is supposed to be more accurate than a regular thermometer. The woman should also pay special attention to her body and become familiar with the signs of her period coming. It is something the couple needs to chart regularly, and it is not easy. Certain days of the month have a higher temperature than others, and our body changes around ovulation. Using this information, you can decide when the best time to have sex is. (The exact days here, I do not know.) Our pastor recommends this method because it is natural, and if the husband is involved in learning the signs, it is a way for the couple to become even more intimate.
That sounded great and all, but the problem I had still remained. It is controlling child birth, and I am against all forms of controlling child birth. Then it occurred to me– this method is different in one key way. It doesn’t actually control child birth– as in it does not change the outcome of sex, but it controls when you actually have sex. Now the problem is not the controlling of child birth, but the controlling of sex. Does the Bible say anything about that?
And, indeed it does. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says that sex should be in a marital relationship, and that it should never be withheld for any reason other than a mutually agreed upon time set aside for prayer and fasting. To elaborate, this means that when the wife wants sex, the husband needs to give it to her. And when the husband wants sex, same thing. Sounds a bit harsh, but the idea is a giving relationship to satisify the needs of the other. It is a servant’s heart; it is what marriage is about. There is to be no withholding of sex for any reason, especially that of anger or sin. (Imagine trying to have sex while angry. I have learned recently that this is the last thing you want to do. You do not even want your husband to touch you. But the thing is, even biologically, sex is the key here. When you have sex, the body releases a hormone called oxytocin. This is the “love hormone”. The only other time the body releases this hormone is during breastfeeding– to help the bonding between baby and mother.)
The Bible also has a book called Song of Soloman. I would not recommend reading this book if you are not in a marital relationship. It is very sexual. It is a love story, and a relationship story, but it is primarily a sex story. The key thing about Song of Soloman is that it sets a pattern in a marital relationship. The entire relationship revolves around sex and intimacy. Again, flooring, but true. And, again, I am learning this by experience. We love to talk about communication and honesty and everything else until we areblue, but if the sexual relationship is lacking, everywhere else will be too. I do not talk as though I know everything; I have only been married for two months, but it is what I have been told countless times, and I am already seeing it, personally.
So, where does this leave me? It is obvious that God allows some control in the sexual relationship, so does he allow control of the womb itself? If I am not withholding sex, can I control when I have it otherwise? The fact is, we do control when we have it. We are not having it every second, and we have it when one of us has the need or desire. As long as we obey, is it wrong to pick and choose when to have sex to therefore control the potential of children?
To make matters more complicating, it was about this time that I decided that I was no longer sure when life begins– conception/fertilisation or implantation. My husband and I talked and prayed and went over this countless times, and in the end, we decided that it was a fine line, but we were really beginning to believe life didn’t start until implantation. Thus, with the control up in the air, and our new ideas about life, we decided I would stay on the pill after the wedding day, for a few months, and then talk about everything again, as well, it would be nice to wait at least two months prior to having children.
This was all prior to the wedding.
I had last said that I believed life begins at implantion, but now I admit I honestly do not know. I cannot make that decision at this moment, because I just do not feel there is enough evidence. On one hand, conception is unique in that the egg and sperm are not previously joined. On the other hand, implantation is unique in that the fertilised egg would not be able to survive prior to having the needs that the body gives it. Again, precarious situation, and I know there are others on here that are quick to say it is obvious, but I do not agree.
With that said, the situation became way too questionable for me to stay on the pill. As of mid-June, I went off of it.
In the end, I am back to believing what I did originally. God is in control of my womb. There is too much involved here for me to begin speculating otherwise. Even if these things are permissible, even if they are, I can foresee becoming mastered by them. It is not simply enough to think a few extra months with my husband will be nice. 1 Corinthians 12 says, “Everything is permissible for me— but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me— but I will not be mastered by anything.”
I love that I once had a feeling and I did not choose to research it at the time, but when I did finally did it, I came to the same conclusion. I love that God gives us feelings without reasons when we need feelings without reasons, and He gives us the means to answer our questions when we need the means to answer our questions.
I am not pregnant yet, and we are not doing anything to control it currently. We may consider looking at NFP in the future, but have not as of yet. Right now, it is completely in God’s hands. And, the thing is, I am ready for children. I know that sounds premature, but I am so ready. I was mentally ready years ago and now I am ready in a more practical sort of way (I did not have a husband then!) and we are in a pretty decent place for them. We are not perfect, but we never will be. We are not financially stable, but we are closer than we have ever been and we are actively seeking plans to sort things out. We have a place to live, we have a room available if we change things around, and I am not working. That is actually a positive thing because if we are not living off a second income now, we are more prepared to not live off of one in the future.
Despite that, we are not actively trying for kids, but we are not not trying either. And, I am completely okay with that. I am glad for the time we will have together without children, but I am also very glad that I am ready, too. I am glad my husband and I are united in this. It is a good place to be in, and it is a place that confirms our convictions.